As a mother I am often avoiding mishaps, mistakes, dangerous situations and bringing up sloppy, unfriendly, unhealthy, unhappy, children.  Talk about dodging bullets!  I bob and weave with the best of them – Bonnie and Clyde have nothing on me.   Are my kids getting their vitamins?  Is my daughter fighting with her best friend?  Is our new trampoline really safe?  Should I let my son drive?  Should I let my daughter boogie board?  When can they walk to the corner store alone?  If my child is sick, when do I take her to the doctor?  If I take her too soon, I feel like an anxious mother – if I wait too long, I feel as though I have neglected her.

And with all of this, comes tension and anxiety.  You know that phrase “tightly wrapped?”  Well, if you’re a mother – you’ve been there.  And it’s not only bad for us, but its no fun for our family.  I feel my IBS flaring up just talking about this!   And I know you’ve heard it all before, but this is one of these issues we just have to keep reminding ourselves about – because it can so easily creep up.

Here are some Coach Me Quick! tips for unwrapping quickly:

1.  The next time you are sitting at your desk, uncross your legs, straighten your back and force your shoulders down.  Hold for a count of 5.

2. The next time you are worried about something, say what you are worried about out loud.  You may have to go into a bathroom or closet to get the privacy you need.  But say what you are worried about – out loud.  Does it still sound like a viable worry?  Sometimes the conversation in our heads, gets pretty ridiculous when spoken aloud.

3. When you are tense and worried, admit it to your family.  This defuses the situation, allows them to help you and also mitigates the chances that you will react more strongly than you would like to.

HONEY, GET HELP! Do you feel you have to do it all yourself? Sometimes I think that if I give in and hire someone to help me, I’ve lost the battle. I want to believe I can bring home the bacon AND fry it up in a pan! Why? Cuz’ I’m a W O M A N? No, because I’m C R A Z Y!
So, what are the items on your list that you don’t have to do yourself? Can someone clean your house? Can someone pick up your kids from school? Can your older child help a younger child with homework? Can your husband pick up the dry cleaning on the way home? What are some small ways that you can get help, because honey, you need it! And you know what, your family needs you to get help also because if you are overwhelmed, you can’t really be with them in the way you want to be. What could be more important than that?

COACH ME QUICK TIPS FOR GETTING HELP:

1. Identify one or two things you do, that you don’t care about doing. Cleaning toilets, anyone?
2. Brainstorm some solutions with your family and ask them to help.
3. Look at your budget. Can you afford to spend some money each week to make life easier? What is 5 additional hours worth to you?
4. Notice if you are resisting getting help? Does having help make you less of a woman, mother or spouse? If so, it might be time to rethink thinking and get the help you need.

Bagging or buying is my daily query! Each day I put together lunches for the kids based on their unique tastes and on whether or not they want to purchase lunch from school or take their  lunch with them.  The lunches provided at high school are great, but unfortunately, they don’t allow the kids enough time to get in line, buy the lunch and eat it in time to get to their next class.  So my highschool child bags it every day.

My girls decide based on the lunch menu and usually they choose to bag it, which leaves me “holding the bag.”   I make salads and wraps, sandwiches and stir fry.  I try to make it different everyday, and by winter vacation, I have run out of ideas, patience, energy and creative juice.  I need a break!

Actually, I needed a break one week early this year and so I started asking my children to make their own lunches.  You know what?  All of a sudden, buying lunch is looking a lot more appealing!  There is squawking, of course.  But, they can make their own lunches and what they make, is much simpler than what I make.  I find myself thinking “you mean all these years, I could have gotten away with 2 Saltines crackers and a grape?” 

The truth is that I like making the lunches.  Sometimes I include little notes and special treats.  But, it’s good to know that when I run out of gas, they can make their own lunch!  I guess you can make them pack their own lunch and eat it too. (sometimes)

You know those things you do every day? Here’s my partial list:
Be wife, mommy, daughter, sister, coach, trainer and friend, answer emails, exercise, manage pets, call the plumber, call the phone company, buy more dog food, change the light-bulb, pay the bills, manage the family calendar and so much more. This list goes on indefinitely, too.

And, if I am not careful, these two lists shall never meet. List number one will forever be dominated by the hands-on-hips glare of self-important list number two. And list number two does have a point. She is filled with the items that MUST get done. Her tasks concern “real” issues such as getting food on the table, running a business, getting the kids to violin and ballet, making doctor’s appointments, putting the kids to bed at night and getting them up in the morning, on TIME.

List number one has none of these serious issues to offer. All she has is her commitment to balance, love, fun, creativity and living life to the fullest. List number one does have a secret though. She knows how important she is. Unlike list number two, she doesn’t need to prove herself. She just patiently waits for her opportunity to shine. So how do we let our number one list shine when days, weeks and months fly by, filled with the concerns of list number two.

Well, I have recently implemented a strategy. I have begun to put my list one items in my calendar. I started with belly dancing lessons. No, I am not a dancer, but if the presence of a “belly” is a requirement, then after 3 kids, I’ve got that one covered. In fact the last time I took a dance class was ballet when I was 7. So, to say I am a beginner, is an understatement. On top of that, when my daughter saw me watching a belly dancing “how-to” dvd, and trying to practice some of the “moves,” she suggested that I stop it immediately. This gives you an idea of my natural talent.

Luckily, list number one does not care about what people think or whether things make sense. I forged ahead with my strategy. I made a note on a particular day to find a class and sign up. Each time I came across that note and didn’t have time to do it, I moved it forward to the next day, the next week and yes, the next month. It took 3 months, but finally there was a day in which I was able to take the time to find and sign up for a class. That set the wheels in motion. I found someone to stay with the kids, purchased a beginners skirt and set of finger cymbals and blocked out those Wednesday classes in my calendar.

As soon as I make lunches for the kids, start dinner and get my little one in the tub, I’m going to practice my moves!

COACH ME QUICK TIPS FOR LIST NUMBER ONE:

1. Identify one item that you have wanted to do, take care of, learn about or research, for some time.

2. What is the first step on that project?

3. When can you take that step? Next week, next month or after the New Year? Whenever it is, just put it in your calendar. If you use an electronic calendar, you can always move it forward digitally. If you use a handwritten calendar, write it on a post-it so that it can be moved forward if needed.

4. Allow list number one to shine!

It sounds so terrible, there are only a few friends I can confess this to.   But, sometimes my kids are incredibly selfish, ill-behaved and unreasonable.    In these circumstances I look at them and I have nothing to say.  I am thinking “where have I gone wrong?” or, I am making plans to fly us all to Bangladesh where they can live in a tent and live on rice, if they’re lucky!

And then I think, “o.k., so they are behaving inappropriately right now.  It’s not the first time.  All I need to do is make the correction. “  But why am I so upset?  Why do I feel like I don’t like these little people right now?  Could this have more to do with me, than them?  What are they reminding me of in myself?  Is their bad behavior a reflection on my mothering?  Is this my ego that’s upset?

Maybe I do like them.  In fact, maybe I like them so much that it hurts to have them show a side of themselves that is unappealing or unattractive?  Whatever the reason, I think I have a better shot at correcting their behavior if I am accepting and loving towards them.

How can we reconnect with that acceptance in the moment?  When our children are whining or complaining, or acting out with Grandma, how can we instantly remember what we love about them?

Here are some ideas:

1. Remember a time when you felt the love  you have for your child, deeply.

2. Imprint that memory on your brain.  Close your eyes.  Get a picture of it.  Where were you?  What were the sounds, images and feelings around you?  Make it so real, that you can call it up when needed.

3. Accept yourself for your humanity.  Our children are here to teach us about life as much as we are there to guide them.  Appreciate all they do for you – even if it makes you nuts.

With all this fuel, the project ceases to be a project. It has anthropomorphized into something that talks to you, calls you names and hangs over you and on you. It’s the proverbial monkey on your back; a weight on your shoulders and the black cloud hovering overhead. We’ve all been there. It is not as if you are unable to get things done, and you really don’t shrink from things that are hard or take time. But sometimes, certain projects can contain a few different challenges all at the same time. When this happens, it can be difficult for the most efficient and fabulous business owner to forge ahead.

So, what are the challenges to look out for?

1. I don’t know how to do what I need to do.

2. I don’t have enough information and I don’t know where to get it.

3. It is a time consumer or, you don’t know how much time it will take and so there is the fear of falling into the black hole of time consumption. This can happen with troubleshooting computer issues or doing research.

4. Emotions. We don’t look through those piles and files because we don’t want to be faced with our past work, letters and the other unwanted discoveries lurking there.

5. Distraction. We talk ourselves into doing everything else first; coffee, emails, phone calls, lists and water cooler conversation.

6. Perfectionism. Sometimes worry about something not being perfect, can keep us from even starting.

Any of these on their own, probably won’t stop us, but if a few of these are combined, we can freeze, get stuck and dig ourselves deeper with negative self talk. When we do finally get these items done, we feel so great. We feel as if a burden has been lifted off our life. We wonder why we didn’t do it sooner. We notice that it wasn’t as bad as we thought.

Eventually, these things do get done or get forgotten, but why wait and go through all that struggle?

Here are some Coach me quick tips:

1. Break it down into tiny steps. I.e. step one might be open a file. Step two. Call so and so. Step 3 – get the answer to this question. You will know that the steps are small enough when you begin to feel that they are silly. Don’t stop until you have very silly steps.

2. Commit to starting and only spending 10 minutes on the project. You have no obligation to spend any more time than 10 minutes, but you may find that you are inspired to do more.

3. Promise yourself a reward for a certain number of steps completed – a walk, a cappuccino, a nap or a hot bath.

4. Give up perfection. It will not be perfect – adopt “good enough

5. Stop negative self talk in its tracks and replace it with a clear vision of the value you will receive from completing the project.

Photo by Invictus, dreamstime.com

How many times have I started something, only to give it up 3 to 6 months later? And, to make things worse, like an amnesia survivor, I have absolutely no memory of why I stopped. I am only left with regret and a lingering annoyance with my inability to “stick to something.”

Take yoga, for example. Armed with my cheery pink yoga mat and dressed in cozy yoga pants, I twisted, balanced, and held challenging poses with the best of them. I enjoyed it immensely and felt good after every class. One year later, I woke up and realized that at some point, I had stopped practicing yoga. What happened? How did that drop out? What changed? What is wrong with me?

Or, there was my commitment to start the day early. I loved it! Each day began easily before anyone in the house was stirring. I had plenty of time to check my emails before rousing the kids, making the lunches, delivering them to school and starting my work day. Fabulous! This would last forever, right? Wrong. I think that lasted for about 7 ½ weeks.

So what is this about? Why are we unable to sustain new patterns, at times? Or, should the question be; why do we feel we have to? In looking more deeply, I realize that I hope to stick with new patterns because I want to cross things off my list – FOREVER. After all, wouldn’t it be great to cross the whole dirty business of exercise off the list? Whether it is yoga, biking, jogging or aerobics, my deepest wish is that I would settle into something and be done – really done. I imagine people asking, “How do you stay so fit at age 92?” And I reply with pride, as I balance on one finger; “I have been practicing yoga for 50 years and I have never missed a day!”

But maybe that’s not how life is?  Perhaps, we are dabblers at heart. Is it the variety that is interesting? We dabble in meditation, art, reading and organization. We learn a language and then we don’t practice it and forget.  We commit to getting to bed earlier each night and we stick with it for a month and then stop.  What’s wrong with that?  Maybe we’ve finally had enough sleep?

Last year I dabbled in healthy lunches for the kids. I bought a dozen books and learned to hide spinach in Jello, lentils in home-made cookies and butternut squash in lasagna. Delicious! I thought it would last forever (My children imagined this also, to their dismay.) But, after awhile, I just stopped. Like a jilted lover left with no explanation, my healthy lunch cookbooks lay disillusioned on the kitchen counter. Did I lose interest in keeping my kids healthy? No, but I lost interest in the process. It was time to move on and learn something new. It was time for me to dabble in something else.

So, here’s to the dabblers! Try things out for awhile. Enjoy the variety. Become a Jane of all trades and master at none. Sometimes, a little dab’l do ya.

1. Choose something to dabble in. Don’t commit to forever, just commit to what you enjoy for as long as you enjoy it.

2. The next time you stop doing something you were committed to, acknowledge yourself for having tried it and move on. Support your own curiosity.

3. Make a list of all of the things you have dabbled in over the years and celebrate. You have accomplished, a lot!

So how do we get our rhythm back without letting go of our obligations? (This isn’t Never Never Land after all.) We’re going to have to show up and face the music with our dance shoes on and ready for action. One of the concepts we share in our Game Plan for Your Business Program is about creating a weekly rhythm. It’s a useful concept any time of year, but during any busy time, it can really make the difference between surviving and thriving.  To learn more about Game Plan For Your Business, register for the free call w/@XtineLewicki & @JameeTenzer http://ow.ly/HGge

1. Identify the 3 most important areas of your life for this week. Usually these three items will have something to do with your values. For example, one might be nurturing your family. Another area might be to take extra good care of yourself (don’t laugh – I know that’s the last thing you probably will think about and THAT’s why I put in it in there). A third might be to focus on marketing your business.

2. Look at your week and identify where and when you are handling these three areas of life. Are you doing enough? If not, add more. Are you doing too much in one area? If so, set that aside. Once you feel that you are fulfilling the three most important obligations, look to see what else can fit that is reasonable. This is your rhythm for the next week. Take a look and see if it forces you to dance too fast (or with a bad partner?) and if it does, change it.

3. There may not be much room for anything else. You may find that you cannot be in charge of your daughter’s school Holiday party. Normally you would, but this year, it is just not possible. Be honest with yourself. Enlist help.

4. Perhaps you really cannot purchase a special gift for each person in your office. Could this be the year for gift cards? Your natural rhythm is important and your ability to identify and honor it, will not only help you, BUT the people who love you and work with you will be grateful. If you respect your rhythm, you’ll be able to dance all night.

Shimmy!

In order to shimmy in belly dance, you have to allow your legs to work like little pistons. You start by moving them with your intellect. Up, down, up, down, faster, faster. But, at some point, your brain cannot move as fast as your legs need to go. You have to let go of the brain and let your muscles take over. Much like roller skating or riding a bicycle. In life we do this too. We finally have to let our intuition take over. We have to trust ourselves. Where can you let go of intellect and allow intuition to take over today? Shimmy!

Undulate

Okay, the hardest thing for me about belly dancing is finding (never mind controlling) those tiny abdominal muscles that were not only stretched to their limit during three pregnancies, but have not been significantly used since. My instructor is endlessly patient, as I try to identify the muscle at the very top of my abdomen, up under my chest bone. Once I do that, she tells me, I will be able to work on rippling my muscles downward. HA! Then we will work on what the hips do during this process. HA HA! When I look in the mirror at my awkward attempts to tighten and loosen my muscles at will, I find myself either embarrassed or on the edge of hysteria. But here’s the interesting part – I am actually learning something new. I’m not used to this. Most of the time, I am doing things I am either competent at, or expert. Even if I am learning, I am learning something for which I have a natural talent. There is a letting go that is required when we do something we are not already good at. This is a muscle I am strengthening, along with that little muscle between ribs 2 and 3.

Twist

There are many twists and turns in belly dance. Where can you create a twist for yourself? What is something you can do that is out of character for you? How might you stretch and grow? Where would it lead? Who might you meet? Maybe you would just have some fun? How cool is that?

Maybe coaching would help you find that twist or undulation in life? If you want to learn more about it, contact me at tenzer@lifeworks4ucoaching.

Shimmying in Los Angeles…

At the same time, I am receiving too many requests; my daughter wants a playdate, my son wants to see a movie, my temple needs food for their hunger drive, my client needs a letter of recommendation, the children’s babysitter needs time off.  Can I carpool, can I bake sale, can I just jump off this freakin’ merry go round?  I want to do it all and deliver for everyone and every organization that means something to me and I know I can’t.  I just can’t get people to stop asking me!

Today I met my breaking point.  Too much input and not enough time for all the output I am responsible for.   I felt like Lucy and Ethel at the request conveyor belt, trying to catch up, but the requests kept coming.   I felt my chest tighten and my head get hot.  Is this an anxiety attack?  Maybe I’ll have a heart attack and then they will put me in the hospital and I will be able to get some rest?  One can only hope.

Somehow I have to figure out the one aspect of life that is putting me over the edge.  One thing, that if I let it go, I would be able to breathe.   Yes, I will consider that as soon as I get a minute to think. 

Stay tuned!